Humbug’s Christmas

19 Dec

I am and will always be a Humbug about Christmas.

+20 points if you get my reference

I don’t like the holiday season. I don’t like the overly cheerful music. I don’t like making cookies. I don’t like poking myself in strange places trying to get the fake tree out from its festively hued body bag, where it lies mournfully in three pre-lit pieces. And I positively detest covering said tree with scented oils to mask the smell of reinforced plastic and tears.

Christmas feels like a holiday that everyone tries too hard to make special. There’s the Bible-thumpin’ “Happy Birthday, Jesus”-ers, the pudgy soccer moms elbowing their way through Black Friday sales, the “I know you’ve spent every penny on gifts but please give us money” bell ringers freezing their you-know-whats off outside Walmart…all contrasting sharply with the frozen teen in combat boots and a sour expression.

All I want for Christmas is for Christmas to end, so we can stop pretending that we enjoy the company of our estranged-for-a-reason relatives, stop spending our money on presents for people we don’t even speak to the other 364 days, and stop making Christmas cards as an excuse to brag about how well the progeny is getting along at community college.

My best Christmas memories are from eating peanuts from a huge brown barrel as we picked out our tree, our real live Christmas pine. Struggling to stand it up inside a pot of tepid water, our cats loudly retching as they discovered that cats cannot, however many they consume, digest pine needles. For me, there was nothing more magical than the thought of an obese bearded man breaking into my house and pawing through my socks.

I do enjoy the presents, however, so feel free to pile those on.

Did someone just yell “hypocrite” or is there something in my ear?

Cheers…or not 🙂



4 Responses to “Humbug’s Christmas”

  1. amandabambii December 19, 2013 at 9:24 pm #

    Hahahaha the best memory I have is searching through mums wardrobe to find my Bridal Barbie that somehow was given to me by Santa!

    • Olivia December 19, 2013 at 9:49 pm #

      Aww that’s adorable 🙂 I remember hunting through my mother’s closet too, she made them so easy to find so I can justify it…

      • amandabambii December 20, 2013 at 12:43 am #

        Haha right?! It’s like, why wouldn’t we look!


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