15 Rules for Eating in My Presence

3 Nov

A friend of mine gave me the idea (although I believe he was kidding/making fun of me) to write a post about all of food-related pet peeves I have. What an excellent idea. -.-

15 Rules for Eating in My Presence

1. If you’re eating any sort of bread that isn’t sliced (ex. rolls, bagels), you must slice it in half before spreading cream cheese/jam on it. Smearing the topping over the outside of the bread will not do.

2. I can chew as loudly as I want and it doesn’t bother me one bit, but if you sit there chomping on your apple I will shoot you many a dirty glare.

3. If you tip your bowl away from you to catch the last spoonful of soup, I will laugh at how uptight you look. Just pick up the bowl and slurp.

4. Chewing gum with your mouth closed is just not satisfying.

5. Don’t eat in my car.

6. If you eat the seeds of a fruit (ex. apples, pears), I reserve the right to call you a monster.

7. Kindly inform me if my fish has been de-skinned before I take a large bite out of it.

8. Ditto for bones.

9. If you don’t tuck in the end of your taco to prevent everything in it from falling onto your lap, you are an idiot.

10. Specifically to my mother: “I don’t want _____” does NOT translate to “Please add an inhumanly large portion of _____ to my plate.”

11. Wash. Your. Fruit.

12. There is no such law that states that dairy is good for another 2 weeks after expiration. If it smells funny and has floating chunks in it, do us all a favor and throw it out.

13. Only real maple syrup will do. None of that funky pancake syrup.

14. Don’t complain about food I make. I can’t cook and you’re lucky if it’s not mac-n-cheese every night.

15. To my school’s cafeteria: If I’ve made a snowman with your mashed potatoes, complete with baby carrot nose and black bean buttons, you may safely assume that they were vile.

Well, there you go. Please venture forth as well-informed human beings committed to bettering yourselves in the ways of food consumption. šŸ™‚

Cheers,

Olive-the-snowman-mashed-potato-artist

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3 Responses to “15 Rules for Eating in My Presence”

  1. Bagel Defiler November 4, 2013 at 8:51 pm #

    Article related: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magic_(paranormal)#20th_century

  2. blushingbeauty9 November 4, 2013 at 1:13 pm #

    I’ve just nominated you for the WordPress Blogger Family Award, go check it out xx

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